Last Woman Standing otherwise known as LWS

I picked up a book the last time I was in Pearson airport called "Better Single Than Sorry". It was written by some woman who was on the Bachelor and Bachelorette and didn't marry any of them. I admit I felt pathetic and desperate buying it but I seriously needed to hear advice from someone who knew what it felt like to be like me - the last woman standing.

So far it's not helping. Of course I'm only 85 pages into a 272 page book but the only thing I've learned thus far is that it's ok to be 30 and not be married or dating and for GOD'S SAKE DON'T SETTLE!

Right, well I could have written that and probably more succinctly. I suppose I should know better than to look for help in a self-help book.

In actuality I really did learn a number of years ago that other people's advice doesn't help because their solution is not necessarily your solution. Answers are always inside you rather than external to you. Of course that doesn't help me from having another panic attack about the state of my life in comparison to all my close friends.

I have lost count of the number of years that on the outside I have put on this mask of happiness for my friends all the while my insides are rotting with jealousy. This of course only adds to my own self-hatred because what kind of friend would hate their friends for being happy.

I just want to be a normal 30 year old. I want to be happily married with a house a dog and a couple of kids. I've been a stupid outcast anomaly all my school life and I really thought that as an adult I had outgrown it but it would appear not.

I'm already five years behind my friends and there is no possible way I could ever catch up now. Another friends announced a pregnancy so that makes two people here who will now have kids and that is two less that I will see anymore.

I'm told I need to make new friends. It really sucks that I find this great group of friends only to lose them all because I can't keep up in life. I'm so tired of being a failure.

My own mother told me that she prays for me to meet someone! I'm so tired of being single. I'm so tired of feeling inadequate because I can't meet anyone or keep a guy interested for more than a week. I'm tired of feeling so hopeless and helpless.

If I could go back in time I'd do so many things differently. There are so many guys I would have done things differently with. Maybe if I had been smarter then I wouldn't be such a failure now. I was so stupid. I wish I could go back and fix it.